Feedback

Feedback

Hi mates we have read your short story “Groomed” and now we are going to provide

feedback on it. We are going to use the model of the ‘traffic light’.  We really liked the story, we are just going to comment on the aspects that we enjoyed more and those which we consider  can be improved.      

                                                      

Positive aspects:

• Catchy cover, good selection of imagery.
• Good use of repetition at the beginning of the first paragraph.
• We liked the way you presented the characters, you developed them gradually through the first page.
• Effective use of dialogues.
• Real to life theme.!! It is great how you could create a short story based on one of the most important and problematic topics of our society.
• MORAL: At the end of the story, you presented and transmitted a specific message to the reader… When we finished reading “Groomed”, we could appreciate that you wanted to show the reader how dangerous/ beneficial technology can be in our society. You left a clear ending/message in the last paragraph of the short story.        

Suggestions:

• The selection of pictures (except the first one) was a bit flat. Some of them did not reflect the mood of the story.
• Some adjectives were repeated several times. For example, the adjective ‘handsome’, maybe next time you can use synonyms to refer to the same word.
• Little use of visual, auditory and kinesthetic images. We expected to have a more detailed description of the place where she was kept and the way in which she was kidnaped.  
• A twist ending can give the reader a jolt. We were expecting something to happen in the end other than something “happy” but it was not the case. In a sense it was a bit predictable.

To bear in mind

• I would have liked to have a little more action towards the end.
• When she writes to this fictitious boy where she will meet him, it reads “12:30 am” but you can tell it’s really 12:30 pm.
• Also, Jane tells her mother she is going to be late because she will do some homework with a friend, but then when Summer asks Carol if her daughter is supposed to be home, Carol says that she is. That is a bit incoherent.

The story is overall well written, though a little flat. The action rises in a real pace but almost as soon as it hits the turning point it goes down again for the purpose of the moral.

The characters are very relatable and so is the scenario, which makes the story interesting from the point of view of its plausibility: this is something which could happen to any of us, and that makes us feel uneasy, which is a good characteristic to have in a short story. We also found it as a resource any teacher of english could use for a themed lesson since it is easy to read. Finally, although it was written collaboratively by four people with different tastes, you can hardly tell since the story maintains a general structure from beginning to end.

Well done!!!